Three Feet From the Door

I have come to find that at the end of the road...at the end of this road, there are no more answers. At least not now. Less than a week two days before I get married, and I feel no different. There is nothing new to stumble upon. No rocks to uncover. No overwhelming emotion. And I still have questions. Questions that can only be answered by doing. I can not make my home in this walled-off ivory tower. There is no academia in love. And while I have worked through enough over the past 10 years to earn a doctorate degree, I am no closer to solving the theory of why some things happen and other things do not.

Not that I thought it would be any different. But in some weird way...I thought I might be. For once, I thought that I wouldn't have to find myself caught at the last stitch of a daydream, and wondering after all that, how I had gotten there. Wondering how my mind wandered far past the roadsigns and highways of conventional political and moral correctness and into the deep, dark forest of otherness. The mind is funny sometimes. Just not "ha ha" funny...

So here's my great insight. The sum of my 33 years of hopes and of dreams, of past loves and disappointments, all rolled into one sentence. It is this: As happy as I am, I will never get to where I want to be. At least not in this lifetime. Truthfully, for those of you who ever wanted to know, that is where the name of this blog comes from. It comes from the fact that I am constantly three feet away from where I want to be (wherever that is). That's the funny (or sad) thing really -- I'm not sure where THAT is. And I suppose that makes sense, when you think about it. Wasn't it C.S. Lewis who once said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world"?

But maybe that's my problem. I am seeing this as the end of the road, and not the beginning. Maybe "Three Feet From the Door" actually means that I'm getting closer, not farther away. And in some strange way, that gives me great hope and optimism.

So what does it look like -- being three feet through the door? Ask me in a couple weeks. Pics and words (and maybe a newly designed website) then. Next time I write, I'll be married. Wish me luck.

Three Feet From the Door

I have come to find that at the end of the road...at the end of this road, there are no more answers. At least not now. Less than a week two days before I get married, and I feel no different. There is nothing new to stumble upon. No rocks to uncover. No overwhelming emotion. And I still have questions. Questions that can only be answered by doing. I can not make my home in this walled-off ivory tower. There is no academia in love. And while I have worked through enough over the past 10 years to earn a doctorate degree, I am no closer to solving the theory of why some things happen and other things do not.

Not that I thought it would be any different. But in some weird way...I thought I might be. For once, I thought that I wouldn't have to find myself caught at the last stitch of a daydream, and wondering after all that, how I had gotten there. Wondering how my mind wandered far past the roadsigns and highways of conventional political and moral correctness and into the deep, dark forest of otherness. The mind is funny sometimes. Just not "ha ha" funny...

So here's my great insight. The sum of my 33 years of hopes and of dreams, of past loves and disappointments, all rolled into one sentence. It is this: As happy as I am, I will never get to where I want to be. At least not in this lifetime. Truthfully, for those of you who ever wanted to know, that is where the name of this blog comes from. It comes from the fact that I am constantly three feet away from where I want to be (wherever that is). That's the funny (or sad) thing really -- I'm not sure where THAT is. And I suppose that makes sense, when you think about it. Wasn't it C.S. Lewis who once said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world"?

But maybe that's my problem. I am seeing this as the end of the road, and not the beginning. Maybe "Three Feet From the Door" actually means that I'm getting closer, not farther away. And in some strange way, that gives me great hope and optimism.

So what does it look like -- being three feet through the door? Ask me in a couple weeks. Pics and words (and maybe a newly designed website) then. Next time I write, I'll be married. Wish me luck.

Still a While to Go

I couldn't be busier right now. Between all the errands and last-minute details. And it's a shame too, because I think I've been thinking about more stuff in the past couple weeks than ever before. I need to write this down, because I get the feeling that I'll never feel this way again. This weird mix of confusion, happiness, fear. It's palpable. I can't believe it's almost here. Everything is being framed in terms of pre-marriage and post-marriage. It's the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. And it's blinding me.

10 days to go. It's both the longest and shortest wait I've ever had. More later, hopefully.