Moving Like A Glacier

A change in personality is never like the way you see it in the movies. In truth, change is rarely measured in epiphanies, and meted out in heaping tablespoons of feeling. In real life, I think change occurs on a much smaller and mundane level. In this time zone, personality changes are glacial in nature, carved from the big decisions we make, and gradually melting under the heat of the stress of our daily lives.

In my almost five months of marriage, I have found that change within me has run slower than expected. Slower than the seasons. And springtime has yet to thaw me. Not that I thought it would be easy. Not for one second. Maybe I thought it would be more synergistic than symbiotic. More partnership than kinship. In the marathon of marriage, I’m feeling tired just from the warmup. Then again, as I am sure some can attest to, I was never really “in shape” when it came to relationships.

Marriage continues to change the way I see things. All of my legal training is useless in the new, stifling construct of marriage. There is no fair argument in a marriage. I am constantly in retreat mode, falling back to the Alamo of my heart, hiding in the closet of my own selfishness, knowing all the while that it simply is a matter of time before change comes for me. Understandably I think, 33 years of single life have convinced me that marriage is after my independent soul, and that with each trinket and ornamental picture frame that appears on the bookshelves and coffee tables of my house, I am becoming less of who I want to be. Slowly. Insidiously. But as sure as the sun and right as rain.

I find myself bargaining for the smallest of things. My CD collection. My old towels. Rugby shirts. Anything to help me remember who I once was. But like old memories, I suppose, there comes a time when you have to let go. And that time for me was five months ago.

Don’t get me wrong. I think marriage is great. But it’s enormous. It’s an oak tree in the middle of your living room. Still, I feel like I’m growing into a better person because of it. And with every day that passes, I’m beginning to understand that marriage is a bit like exercising. The effort is always worth it.